i'm a broken record. i know.

I had to post this link because it is dead on. Before I opened the page, I knew what song should be number 1 and it was.

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/rocksbackpages/520/cry-me-a-river-the-20-most-heartbreaking-songs-of-all-time/

Edward Scissorhands

I had to work Black Friday and it was as slow and miserable as anticipated; however, what I did not expect was to get some wisdom and uplifting advice. There is a painter by the name of Ed who shops at my paint store. He is a bit odd, always tells jokes and, at times, can be a tad irritating. Ed is 74 years old and still paints. To put his age into perspective, Eisenhower was in office when he started painting 50 years ago. Started 50 years ago. I've only been alive half the time Ed's had a career. I don't really know if he needs to work for additional income or if he merely does it to stay active. Judging from our conversation, I am inclined to believe the former, but only he knows for sure.

Ed came in to the store to drink coffee and bullshit, like most elderly men do, and did not actually purchase anything. We talked for a good 90 minutes and covered a broad variety of topics. It is no secret I am going through a really tough time in my life and struggling with many uncertainties, so I decided to get some sage wisdom from a man who has experienced a lifetime. I inquired about regrets, love, money, careers, and all the things associated with 'life'. After a couple minutes, I felt like I was merely scratching the surface of his vast knowledge.

I won't post what Ed said, but it was wise and comforting. It made me feel better. When he left, I was smiling and felt at ease. Having someone who has lived a full life tell me everything would be alright was enough to ease my quarter-life crisis worries for a bit. So, go hug or call your grandparents and ask them about life.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life

Life is a series of peaks and valleys. I've previously discussed how music can comfort in valleys and make peaks more heavenly. This is (duh.) another post about the former. The solace of another human being expressing similar emotions they have experienced cannot really be put into words. One lyricist in particular that 'speaks' to me is Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie/The Postal Service. The man has made a good living writing songs about heartbreak. It is a topic to which nearly everyone can relate and is normally sung over catchy melodic indie rock, which equates to money in the bank.

No song Gibbard has written rings true 100%, but there are a few that get the majority of my feelings spot on. Some time ago, the song "Nothing Better" by The Postal Service (which is a duet with Jenny Lewis) was a huge comfort for not only myself, but a friend of mine when we were both going through some difficult times. Most recently, the song which expresses some of my emotions best is "You Can Do Better Than Me" off the Death Cab album Narrow Stairs. The lyrics illustrate everything I'm feeling except a single line, so here, in it's entirety, are the words:

"You Can Do Better Than Me" by Death Cab For Cutie

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

Worst. Thanksgiving. Ever.

Fear Before the March of Flames

I'm absolutely terrified of the upcoming weeks and months. Uncertainty lurks. I've done my best to soldier on and try positivity, but the painworryfrustration is too great to ignore. Hope is absent; I lost it a while ago. Resentment eats at my soul. Loneliness gnaws. I can feel 'it' coming around again and am powerless to stop it. At least, I tell myself I'm helpless, but it's not true. All the advice sounds cliche and patronizing. Everyone means well, but the only person who can help me is me. I just have no idea where to start...

Suds Your Duds

I went to a real public laundromat for the first time in my life today. I say the first time because I'm excluding the laundry facilities in the dorms. The place is called 'Suds Your Duds'. I'd been putting off going because I was apprehensive about it and I didn't have to go. I finally had to because I was out of underwear and socks. This is another example that makes me think I really have some sort of mild social anxiety disorder. I desperately wanted there to be no one else in the facility, which happened; alone the whole time. I did sit in my truck for an extra minute or two while one guy finished up so I could avoid him.

It wasn't as bad as anticipated, but it sure was boring. This should be the last time I ever have to go to a laundromat since I want a washer/drier in my place, but life changes. Guess I'll just have to bring a book next time.

MyPlace

When I move back to Austin, all faith in regard to my new dwelling is in the hands of my future roommate. I trust he has good taste and we have discussed it a bit, which is comforting, but you never know until you live there. I say this because my current apartment may just be the worst place I've ever lived. I did live in former project housing in the bad part of Waco, TX, but this may be worse. Here is a quick rundown of my current place:

- Halfway house a couple blocks away
- Planes fly over every few hours
- Train tracks are less than 100 yards away
- Trains go by about every hour (including nighttime)
- There is more than one registered sex offender in the neighborhood, including across the street
- Steetwalkers litter the streets
- People yell profanities at each other outside my windows all the time

And last, but not least...
- I found a plastic grocery sack full of used syringes outside my back door

This doesn't even include all the issues I've had with the apartment itself. The water doesn't really get hot and gets ice cold in about 5 minutes, paper thin walls, poor circulation of HVAC, and door knobs that fall out of the doors.

I will critique my next places pretty thoroughly after living here. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. Right?

Lazy post

This guy was pretty on-point, so I linked it:

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-whats-going-on-in-our-heads-after-a-breakup/

TV rots your brain

I recently read a study that discovered unhappy people watch 30 percent more television than happy people. Article here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20081115/sc_livescience/unhappypeoplewatchlotsmoretv

I am not ashamed to admit I watch TV, but I can live without it. Although, given my current situation, I've been watching a lot because it doesn't cost me any more than the monthly payment and, let's face it, I don't have anyone to hang out with anyway. That being said, there are shows that I like. One of them is Top Chef on Bravo. It is a cooking competition that pits up-and-coming chefs against each other. Granted, it is a reality game show, but it involves cooking and creativity which I enjoy watching. Unfortunately, I won't be able to view this season because the cable company doesn't have Bravo as an option in the basic cable package. My cable company is Comcast and I hate their service. Not only is there no Bravo, but the internet service is overpriced and awful; crashes way too often. On top of that, NBC has never come in clearly and that is one of the big four networks. I grew up with Time Warner Cable in Texas and had no complaints. TWC is cheaper, faster, and has more services. Yet another reason I miss the Lone Star State.

Ah, another lame post. Probably because I am unhappy...

Love does not conquer all.

Are you ready for some football?

When I was younger, I didn't really get into football. I'd watch the occasional game on the weekends, the obligatory Thanksgiving games, and the Super Bowl, but that was the extent of it. Sports never really interested me. I cared more about work and music. When I got to college, I still didn't care because I wanted to deny the meathead football fan stereotype and Baylor plays in the Big 12 South which means they'll probably never break .500. Plus, Sundays were devoted to studying. It wasn't until I left school that football really started to interest me.

The truth is football is really, really intricate and complicated. Far more than any other 'major' sport. Even the basics are difficult. Two teams of usually between 11 and 18 players try to score by throwing, carrying, or kicking the ball. When on offense, each team has four downs to go ten yards or score; whichever comes first. It is the only sport that you have more than one way to score points. Basically two: when the ball crosses into the end zone and when it passes through the uprights. In every other sport, there is only one way to score. Baseball, soccer, basketball, auto racing, and hockey all require only one way to score. For example: you can only score in baseball when a player steps on home plate. That is it. Just one example of the superiority of football. Everyone knows the basics, but dig a little deeper and the complexity is staggering.

I enjoy NCAA football, but the NFL is what I truly like. The NFL has 32 teams, divided into two sixteen-team conferences, each of which consists of four four-team divisions. The regular season is a seventeen-week schedule during which each team has one bye week and plays sixteen games. This schedule includes six games against a team's divisional rivals, as well as several inter-division and inter-conference games. Each team has players that are invariably assigned numbers based on their primary position. There are coaches, assistant coaches, and specialty coaches; you've got the offense, defense, and special teams; the NFL draft, the Pro Bowl, and the Super Bowl. Not to mention all the possible penalties that could be called in any given game. That just scratches the surface of the NFL's breadth. Here is a short, bullet list of terms that illustrate my point:

- Red Zone

- line of scrimmage

- 3 and out

- 3-step drop

- West Coast offense

- Nickel defense

- the 'Pocket'

Again, I'm only touching on a few aspects of it and I'm probably doing a poor job. My point is that my misconceptions about football and it's average fan have been shattered. Being some overweight, beer-guzzling, meathead frat boy isn't an accurate representation of average fandom. It actually takes intelligence to not only understand football, but to play. Case in point: Chad Pennington, the QB for the Miami Dolphins, is a Rhodes Scholar. So, much to the dismay of my 15-year-old self, I can say with confidence that I love me some football.

So...

I think the solitude is getting to me as illustrated by the previous post.

Step Yo Game Up

My clothing style has been described as kinda preppy. I can't really object to this claim, but, in my defense, I see nothing wrong with that. Wearing collared shirts is apparently prep. I do like argyle and patterns, but it's not like I pop said collars. Honestly, I rarely spend more than $40 on any individual article of clothing and it is most likely a pair of jeans. Most of the time I can't even find clothes that fit well enough to justify spending a lot. Truth be told, if I had unlimited funds I'd wear labels like Band of Outsiders, Neil Barrett, RL Purple Label, Diesel, and Rag & Bone which are waaayyy nicer than what I wear now.

I've decided I need to step it up as far as my personal style is concerned. Be more classically fashionable, but with modernity. Items that don't go out of style. That's the point of that story. I don't really know where I was going, so...the end.

I'd like to buy the world a Coke

I drank a Cherry Coke yesterday for the first time in years. It was better than I anticipated.

Keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type

When I first started collecting skin art I vowed to never get one void of meaning. Getting a permanent item on one's body carries a certain gravity with it, which is why I will never understand people getting logos or tattoos that lack timelessness. Case in point: Nightmare Before Christmas. Pretty sure The Academy won't be giving Tim Burton a lifetime achievement award in 25 years for his animation portfolio, but he just might get the "Most Tattooed Wire and Clay Holiday Character From a Motion Picture" award. Aesthetic reasons are a bit different, but everyone has their reasons I guess. I am determined to keep that personal oath made years ago, but we'll see how long it lasts.

What's interesting is how some have become more meaningful over time. Tattoos acquired years prior have grown deeper personal significance given the trauma or joy I've experienced in life. More pain than bliss, honestly, but it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Certain pieces carry abstractions, philosophies, and intricacies I never thought they would.

As we age, life experiences mold individuality. Family, friends, art, gains, losses, sexuality, education, love, hate, spirituality and all the other complexities we call 'life' inevitably shape who we become. Tattoos have the potential to do the same. They memorialize, convey spirituality, represent love gained and lost, lifestyle choices, create meaning, and, by definition, are artistic. They shape who we were, are, and will become.

What is 'V' for?

There are all types of blogs saturating the Internet waves in this day and age. perezhilton.com started as a blog and has become one of the premiere celeb gossip sites. Some blogs are devoted to art; others to weddings. The vast majority are most likely just personal ones akin to Xanga with pictures, vids, and musings broadcast to the world. That was my goal with McBloggersen here.

The dilemma is boundaries. Vulnerability is a tricky thing; honesty, too. Putting myself out there makes me vulnerable, but being honest can create tension. I have made the mistake of putting a friend on blast on the Internet and it creating problems. That particular relationship was never the same again. I'd like to be completely honest, but my attitude and phrasing complicates translation. There are so many gray areas to tip-toe around. Despite my hard candy shell, I have a nougatty center that does not want to completely destroy other human feelings. I'd just do it to their face or the good ole fashion way with a one-armed knife fight a la the "Beat It" music video. Having Eddie Van Halen play guitar over the fight would be bitchin', too.

To be clear, I have been reserved with divulging info and brain droppings(see what I did there?). I'd like to purge all the thoughts in my head onto the electronic media, but who knows what would happen? Would people be concerned about me? Would feelings get hurt? Does anyone even read this thing? Maybe I'll test the waters and see. Gradually.

Also, I'm pretty sure I am using semi-colons completely wrong.

I'll wear the label with pride

I debated what to post tonight, but it was inevitably kind of depressing. Instead, here is a link to an article in The NY Times about cat ownership among single, straight men like myself.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/05/fashion/05cats.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Dead leaves fall with grace to saturated soil

With the exception of about a shot of tequila in the bottle in my freezer, I'm completely out of mind altering substances. I'll probably finish that off on Friday, so that will represent the last until I return to the Republic. Main reason is monetary; secondary reason is growth. Time to return to healthy habits. I'm getting past things. I think...

To assist in social anxiety fears I'm vowing to meet 100 people in 6 months. Starts January 1 and I have until July 1 to get it done. There will be documentation because A) I need proof and B) it is a conversation piece. Considering the majority of these interactions will be in the presence of alcohol, I'm debating buying the 'landmarks' drinks. Meaning numbers 1, 25, 50, and 100 will get free booze and possibly others like 7, 13, 37, and 69. It makes me feel generous and friendly. We shall see.

Available at Nordstrom

http://marknason.com/

This guy makes the ugliest, douchiest boots I've ever seen. I wouldn't recommend browsing the site for too long. Just a 5-10 second view of the home page is all that's needed.

I'm up early in the mornin cookin keys and eggs

Stupid blog. I just wrote 300 words and internet just crashed. Lost it all. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Sleep is the cousin of Death

I never used to have trouble sleeping. It wasn't unheard of to sleep 10 hours at a time. Now I have difficulty going to sleep and staying that way. Any little thing brings me out of slumber. Part of it could be because I'm sleeping on my futon instead of my bed and it isn't the most comfortable couch/bed to sleep on. My phone gets an automatic text message telling me the weather for the day at about 5 A.M. and that is enough to bring me out of it. As soon as I'm out of deep sleep, I start thinking and half the time it is enough to keep me awake. Going to sleep is worse because I can't shut down. I can't shut my brain off. Worry after worry keeps my mind from shutting down. The worst part is the subject doesn't really change; just a variation on a theme. That worry consumes me and I can't stop. Or sleep.

Minnesota trip

Highlights of trip to Minnesota:

- 50+ beers and 15ish shots in 5 days.

- A guy's mom punching me in the face for attempting chivalry by kissing her hand which actually didn't happen. I just thought it happened.

- Micah to the 5 of us in the Chrysler minivan: "Listen assholes! I get laid more than any of you"!

- Mickey's diner.

- Mall of America was dissapointing. I expected it to be grandiose like I remembered from D2.

- Kill Bill, Vols. 1 and 2 are good movies to watch drinking games to.

- There are some creepy, annoying dudes in the bars.

- "The Elvis" burger. Peanut butter and bacon on a burger. Delicious!

- Everyone smokes. Everywhere, too. I met twenty people and every one of them smoked. They do it everywhere, too. In their cars, in the house after breakfast, inside, outside, etc.

That's all I got for now. I'll add more as I remember.

I'm beginning to think there is something really wrong with me. I got invited to play poker at a sort of SW party thing tonight and I didn't go. Complaints about lack of friends and being miserable are numerous and when I do get a pity invitation, I turn it down. That's ridiculous. Granted, I did work a 13 hour day, but I showered, got dressed and then just paced my apartment for an hour debating whether I should go. I did not. I thrive on my loneliness or something.

"Misery loves company" has been the phrase of the past week. Apparently not. For me, misery hates company. I'd rather be alone to wallow than bring others down. I found out I'm getting an iPhone for X-mas and it still wasn't enough to lift my spirits to socialize. The spirits I turn to are not uplifting. Zing. I worry. And obsess on the worry.

The ironic part in all this is not only do I have the stomach tattoo, but the title of my blog is about challenging times in life making one a better person. Guess that means I will be Superman strong soon.

Friday was especially bad. Mainly because it was Halloween. The personal significance of the date and being a traditionally social holiday made it more painful. I drank and watched bad horror movies on television. Jimmy and I got into a drunken text fight. After a cry and low point of the night I decided to snap pics to document my downfall. Here is the result: