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All The Boys In The Halfway Houses Wave To The Girls Off Emerald Street

Here's a rhetorical question for the ages: why do people do such stupid things for love?

Being of the male persuasion, I can only attest to the stupidity over females, but I'm sure it goes both ways. Things one would normally never do become almost commonplace over love. Animals are purchased/adopted, moves across the country and around the world, nights of no sleep, etc. These are just some examples of the ludicrous actions one takes. The minor things are probably innumerable. Most every guy will tell you the only reason he shaves is for work and women (or men as the case may be). That probably goes for women as well. Think of all the ridiculous clothes we wear and rituals we go through before dates. Pretty sure there would be two outfits for dudes if love didn't matter: suit and sweatpants/t-shirt/flip-flops. The fights which break out over just some quick glances. Helen of Troy? Get my drift?

Sometimes even more extreme are the lengths one will go to keep said mate. What is usually considered unacceptable will slide. Think of all the on-again/off-again relationships out there. Or the cheaters of the world who are given a free pass. Or any number of other indiscretions allowed.

Not to get things twisted, I'm just as guilty as the next person. I can't begin to think of all the movies I've seen that I had absolutely no interest in seeing, but viewed anyway because of a girl. Hell, quite a few of the things I've mentioned above are things I do regularly. I have a glass heart tattooed on my chest for God's sake. Why do you think I'm writing this post?

I'm well aware of the scientific/animalistic basis of all this. Peacocking and the like... We are supposed to be the most intelligent species on earth, and yet we still resort to the most primal of actions. Perhaps we should return to the good ole days when you just clubbed someone on the head. Okay, that was a little misogynistic, but you get the point. Most of this probably stems from some deep desire to appease our mother/father or whatever Freud would say.

I need an ending. Blarg.

Born and Braised

It seems as though the need/desire to blog is lost when I am *relatively* content. My need to emote electronically disappears. Relatively of course because there are aspects of my life that need altering in minor and major ways.

That being said, my short term life plan begins today. Distancing myself has brought clarity in some form and I'm embracing.

Crazy Awesome Vid

Alive or Just Breathing

Guess it is my turn to reach out to you, so here goes...

This early morn was spent contemplating and wondering. Eyes wide, staring at alabaster walls, curled up in sheets and blankets safe from chill and wet reminiscent of PacificNorthWest life. Numerous questions I simultaneously long to know and never care to hear answered race through my mind. I debated asking a few for clarity, but decided it is not prudent at this juncture.
No closer to a job discovery am I despite several leads. Teaching keeps coming to the forefront of career choices, but commitment seems daunting. Perhaps a year overseas teaching first? God only knows.

The cathartic creative outlet in the form of music with one band has become burdensome in multiple forms. I’m ready to abandon this particular group and start something I can truly be passionate about. Try my hand as frontman/singer/screamer if permitted. My lyricism needs work, but writing everyday seems to help.

Still ridiculously pitiful at meeting new people. Lack of notebook/female genitalia and distaste of coffee/tobacco may be my downfall. No work, church, or school. Love of tea and a journal for writing at a chosen daily locale may be in my future, but funds prohibit such an extravagant daily expense for now. When placed in social situations, my wallflower tendencies and awkwardness shine through. I find most people intolerable and fake. Too _____ or not _____ enough. My true downfall it seems…

Joel has a gf a block away, so I rarely see him anymore. They are actually going to the Marfa film festival in April. I wish him the best and happiness for both, but selfishly want a buddy. Like Jimmy. Like Kyle. I’ve holed up in the apartment primarily for monetary reasons, which makes me a bit of a hermit and may also be driving Joel away. IDK.

The majority of this purge and wonder stems from a future trip to Waco this Sunday for a reunion, of sorts, with pre-2005 friends and foes. I long for the time in Waco when things were so much easier/joyous/fulfilling. Checking Facebook obsessively does not deter such reflections either. Nostalgia. Senior year really was wonderful, drama and all. Perhaps that was the best year or my life? I hope not.

This comes across as a pity party with an overwhelming theme of uncertainty it seems. All written with no desire for response (and I suspect you won’t). I just feel there is no other to tell. Simply typing and sending is enough. To know someone who understands me better than the average individual will read and interpret these lines and empathize, even just a little. That you’ll maybe reach out or, at the very least, alter your mindset for a few minutes and ponder how I do.

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

Starting in 2005, I made a resolution to take a vacation every 2 years. Preferably out of the country. 2005 was a Mexican cruise. 2007 was the Bahamas. Here it is 2009 and the economy is in the shitter, so I don't know if the vacay will happen this year. It's only March which means one quarter down, three to go. Perhaps there'll be enough of a turnaround I can venture to some other country. Even if it's just Canada.

March Madness

After recovering from debauchery last night, I lazily flipped from channel to channel this early afternoon looking for something to fall asleep to. I settled on college basketball because nothing could be more sleep inducing and I only get 5 channels with my HD antenna. As I was watching this particular game I realized I know almost nothing about the sport anymore. Not a huge deal considering I only like football except that I played b-ball in middle school. I used to have enough knowledge to actually compete. Not only that, I knew teams, players, coaches and the general ins-and-outs of the game. Now I despise it.

Why is that?

Mr. Sparkle!!!

This is a committed Simpsons fan.

Red Light

I have voids. Emptiness that can't seem to be filled. None concurrently anyway.

Heart.
Musical soul.
Career.
Friendships.

Family and health I've got. Guess 1 out of 3 isn't too bad.

They Have Always Been There

That feeling came again tonight. After our set, I watched the headliner and at one point the loneliness/helplessness/pessimism crept over me. Middle of the crowd of 75+ people seeing live music (although not my favorite kind) and I just wanted to be as far away as possible.

I longed to be alone to wallow in it.

Friday the 13th

A couple days late, but it's still this weekend.

Face The Thing That Should Not Be

I took a step in the right direction last night, but I'm not sure at what expense. I read a blog entry. Only one. A harmless, short one. No real significant topic buried in the lines other than the doubt/uncertainty we all share draped in nomadic desire and a longing for contact with acquaintances miles away.

The words brought back past joy in their simplistic elegance and spoke to me the way they always have. I thought about the shortest distance ever separating two souls once(or never?) connected and longed for the mindheartsoul meld again. The unspoken, abstract, label less bond two sometimes share. I wondered how often, if ever, the minds of formers ponder each other simultaneously and if this is the exception.

I wanted to anonymously comment: I miss you. Maybe a generic text? Fear, doubt, and uncertainty intervene.

Being able to read with no stomach churning/throat lumps/uncontrollable shaking was comforting and indicates progress, but no closer to clarity or closure am I. Time marches on to heal those wounds...

Counterparts and Number Them

I really wanted to post something positive tonight, but I sat here for a good ten minutes and every topic/subject/issue had a negative spin to it or was super lame so I'm resorting to reference:

Bad Tattoos Are A Dating Dealbreaker

This article was taken with a grain of salt considering the source and I would have ignored it completely, but I could not let the mention of flaming skulls and bleeding hearts go because I'm an 'offender' of both images. Sometimes I think I'm picky and shallow; this site confirms that females are as well.

Another weak one, so here's a video of kittens on a Roomba:

We Are The Sound

There have been some occurrences as of late. Certain indirect encounters that've caused those seeds to sprout once more. A friend's rendezvous downtown that became a 'run-in'; a certain concert that undoubtedly was attended and the plethora of individuals who accompanied; the couple necking at the hardcore show at Emo's on Saturday.

What sparked the recent resurgence was the open discussion and reality that on any given weekdayhour I could come face-to-face with what I fear most. When brought up, that awful feeling rose from my innards and the throat lumped up. Since then, it's been a recurring irk in the back caverns of my cranium. Spacing out on the edge of the pit pondering my errors and staring at the ceiling as the sun rises realizing that my standards are too high and the search is futile. Then I think about how I've still got a year plus(if lucky) before I'll be completely past these gut wrenchings.

Simply put, my high speed positive outlook hit roadspikes.

Additionally, I wonder if the friends made were ever really 'mine'. I recently read an article about how break-ups bring with them the complication of dividing mutual friends. Didn't really happen that way for me because I made the choice to start over and eliminate any possibility of drudging up bad feelings. However, it seems as though I was just passing. A footnote, if you will. They were her's before me and her's after. In hindsight, I don't know how things ever clicked. Maybe because I just kept my mouth shut. Interests shared seem relegated to drinking, proximity, and college. For example, I'd rather see 100 other artists than Broken Social Scene and Elliot Smith is probably the last dead musician I'd resurrect to perform one last time.

That's enough emo for today, kiddos.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

I believe most bloggers think their respective writings rarely get read, if at all. For me, the blogosphere is a way of purging ideas, emotions, musings, and what not; mostly emotions obvi. No huge revelation there. Others use weblogs for poetry/photography/art, but regardless of medium all users secretly long for approval or, at the very least, some clue of readership.

What's been alarming in recent weeks is the outpouring of support/empathy from friends, some I've not spoken with in years, who've echoed similar thoughts and feelings. Quite a few coming from concern for my well-being. I will take this line to assure everyone my sanity is 100% intact. While I don't really consider myself the voice of the common man, certain universalities ring true to all. Pain, euphoria, suffering, love, lonliness, yadda yadda yadda... It appears I'm merely tapping into it.

I had actually planned on making this entry a long, elaborate high-dive plunge into the abyss of human psyche, but it seems I've hit a mental road block of sorts. Here's how I'll leave it: Thanks to all who have shown their support and love over this difficult time in my life and I know my boundaries are limitless.

Weak ending. There's an amusing vid of a guy falling at the end of this post. Normally I wouldn't stoop to this kind of humor, but the guy is a bass player so I can relate.

August Burns SHRED!!!!!!!!

Woe of Tyrants

Well, my jobless phase continues. Although, I am in a band that's getting paid so, for now, it is my job. 4/6/8 hour-a-day practices are getting to me though. My fingers are really starting to callous up and standing-thrusting-posing-headbanging takes it's toll.

That's it for now. More later.

The Wal-Mart Virus

One of these nights

Last nite realism hit me. Most friends were working, had plans, or doing something that didn't interest me, so by midnight I was home in bed. Reading. On a Saturday night. It was the first time in a while I really longed to be in a relationship again. There is an indescribable feeling/comfort from just lying in bed, drinking a nice Cab, and reading with my significant other. I wanted it last nite.

I created the goal for 2009 to stay single the entire year in order to solidify what I want in a woman and truly enjoy life. To make friends and not worry about Love. I've never been single longer than 6 months, which explains the single-one-year-goal. It also indicates how desirable/important having someone is to me. There's a reason I don't stay single longer than a few months: I like being in a relationship.

So now what?

we are the end

I hate that my own issues/insecurities are limiting my ability to associate with old friends. My emotional struggle (which creates a physical one) means I can't hang out with people who conjure up memories of lost love. I'm already scared of going out to public places and having an encounter. Even the view is enough; nausea and uncontrollable shaking arise to a crippling degree. A new start means rebuilding bridges and mending scars, but the path is paved with suffering and I don't want to travel it again.

So this is the new year?

Building up New Year's Eve was a mistake, because I was let down. Not an awful night, but not one for the scrap book. 6.5 out of 10. My realist tendencies should have overtaken the temporary optimism I acquired, but I tried something new since Austin is a fresh start.

The highlight was seeing old friends for dinner at Saba. Good friends and good food are a reminder of priorities in life. The rest of the night was forgettable.

Although, with 2009 comes my resolutions (if you can call them that) to start working out again/put on a some pounds, pay off my truck, create music, stay single the entire year, come to a decision about school, and get a job. Quite a few tasks in there, but when you enjoy them it isn't a burden.