Hairy and the Hendersons

I'm getting old. We all age and at some point in life humans begin to see signs, overt and covert, that make us look/feel old. Crow's feet and weight gain are a couple examples. However, the worst sign of aging for all men has to be the dreaded [GASP!] male pattern baldness.

MPB can be rough for some, and nonexistent to others, but most males will experience it in some form or another. Everything from the 'Eye of the Hurricane' (bald spot on top center of head where hair growth spirals out) to the 'Devil Lock' (an extreme widow's peak where the hair line recedes on both sides instead of the middle). When men reach a certain hair loss point, most try to compensate with facial hair. There is also the practice of wearing hair very short or shaving one's head completely. Which brings me to my quandary...

Skinny white guys with bald heads and facial hair look awful. Specifically, shaved heads and full beards, but other facial hair forms apply. Key terms here being 'skinny' or 'thin' and 'white' or 'Caucasian'. A 6'3" 280lb man of any race will look fine chrome-domed and bushy-faced. Look at any NFL lineman or Rick Ross. A 5'11" 150lb man of any race BUT Caucasian will look fine, too. I can't think of a famous example right now, but I'm sure you can imagine it. That same size man with lack of melanin will look goofy and weird.

MPB scares me so much because I'm a skinny white guy. I also have, and enjoy, a beard, but I have long hair and plan on keeping it that way for a while. The Jesus look has been pretty good to me. Even with the subtraction of facial hair I look handsome, but about 5-8 years younger. Long hair and clean shaven is good. The addition of bald to my description makes for a potentially frightening future.

It's pretty safe to say I'm not gonna balloon up to 200lbs anytime soon. Even if I pack on the standard 1lb every year after age 30, that will only put me at 160lb by age 50. Now add a shaved bald head and bushy beard. Me in 25 years: heavily tattooed, 5'11'' 160lb middle-aged white guy with glistening scalp and mountain-man face. Not a pretty picture, but there is always the chance I will keep my beautiful locks until old age.

So maybe I should pray to the follicle gods to bless me, but until then, here's to the future!