Pour a glass

I dwell in the realm of cynicism. A pessimist attitude, if you will. The glass is half empty. I prepare for the worst in almost all situations; never believing the best outcome will present itself the majority of the time. I am content with this viewpoint because it works for me. I call it realism. Simply put, it makes my outlook on life win-win. Going into a situation anticipating the worst means if the worst possible scenario happens, I was right. If the best possible outcome occurs, it means I was wrong but feel good anyway because the best thing happened. Win-win.

Applied to real life, it works out rather well. Anticipating my order at a restaurant will be wrong when it arrives. Expecting a film will be lackluster before viewing. Assuming someone in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, will let me down or abandon me. The end result in every case, whether good or bad means I end up less hurt or justified (which is a self-esteem boost).

There is a downside. People dislike me for being a 'downer' or I get labeled an 'asshole' or something equally derogatory. When individuals look to me for support, I let them down because I unconsciously inject skepticism into my response where a positive, uplifting answer would have been appropriate. I hate it sometimes. The look on another soul's face when you have inadvertently crushed them is not an image one files under 'pleasantries'. It makes me feel horrible.

The truth is I probably use cynicism as a guard so others won't get too close. As far as life goes, it's the best coping device I have and I grasp it tightly. I like to think other individuals do as well, but perhaps not to the same extent.

Being 25 and rapidly approaching another birthday, I seriously doubt anything will change much. I'm of the belief half-full/half-empty glasses are nurture and not nature. I'm comfortable with myself and I like to think self-confidence and self-esteem are not mutually exclusive. The best I can hope for is some semblance of compassion or empathy when confronted with the conundrums of others. As cliche as it sounds, life can be tough, but people change. I just don't know if I am one of those people.